We Stay Fly No Lie and You Know This
Allow'southward face information technology — hardly anybody wants to listen to the flight attendants on an airplane. If it's the in-flight safety announcements, information technology's boring. If it's an emergency declaration, information technology'southward terrifying. Neither of those are optimal states of being, and then what can yous do?
A sense of sense of humor goes a long way in making boring situations tolerable and terrifying situations manageable. These flight attendants keep usa laughing despite the challenges of modern air travel.
You've Got to Get Your Inventory Somewhere
Perhaps nosotros'd all get out fewer things behind on airplanes if we knew they'd end up getting peddled on the blackness marketplace. Upon landing, 1 airline attendant was overheard saying, "Please feel free to leave behind whatever of your items in the overhead compartment; I'm having a yard sale this weekend."
Next time you see your luggage, neck pillows or duty-gratuitous vodka in someone's front g, you'll know where they came from. Peradventure if you work something out with the flight attendant, yous tin get a cutting!
Subsequently a particularly rough landing, one flight attendant quipped, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have merely attacked Los Angeles." After the luggage has been thrown disconnected throughout the cabin, the booze has splashed on your vacation clothes, yous whispered your prayers and your knuckles accept whitened…it's ever practiced to end on a hearty laugh.
Encounter? Y'all near all died in a horrific fireball crashing onto the runway at uncontrollable speeds. But you didn't, so just forget it and go soused at the airport bar similar the residuum of the passengers.
For the Quickest Way off the Plane…
Being intimidated by the buttons above you lot in passenger seating is silly. Look at the pilots — they have hundreds of buttons to deal with. You have just a few niggling buttons above your seat, and none of them touch on the functioning of the plane. At least, that's what we're told.
But not then fast. Ane flying attendant said this: "The yellow button is your reading light. Delight don't press the orange button unless you admittedly take to. The orangish button is your ejector seat button." Better promise you lot waited for those instructions!
Information technology Seemed Similar a Good Idea at the Fourth dimension
Information technology'southward unlikely that anyone who has always dreamed of having children has actually thought through all the details. Certain, those kids seem to complete the idyllic family life, but that was before yous locked yourself into a metal cylinder with them hurtling through the air at ludicrous speeds.
I flight attendant was overheard request a question for the ages: "For those of you traveling with your children — why? And for those of yous that are traveling with 2 of your children, what in the globe were you thinking?"
Don't Get Stuck Holding the Bag
Flying attendants come up with creative means of getting all the passengers off the plane as soon as possible. They're on a tight schedule and don't accept time for dawdlers.
1 tin can only imagine the stampede of passengers rushing off when one flight attendant announced, "Final i off the plane must clean it." They're kidding, right? They have specialized teams of cleaners for that, don't they? Ameliorate push a few children and erstwhile ladies out of the way just to exist sure.
She's Pop
Southwest Airlines flight attendant Marty Cobb posted a viral video of herself performing a comedic version of the safety instructions. She started with, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention for just a few moments? My ex-husband, my new young man and their divorce attorney are going to bear witness the safety features."
Of course, she was kidding. Or maybe she was only half-kidding. Either mode, she might've picked upwards a few more phone numbers on that flying. Only be conscientious, fellas; she's a man-eater, and y'all may end up on YouTube.
That'due south Gonna Cost Ya
Viral flight attendant star Marty Cobb had a few more jokes up her sleeve, touching on how airlines like to nickel and dime passengers for amenities. During the in-flight safety demonstration with the oxygen mask, she announced, "To actuate the flow of oxygen, simply insert 75 cents for the first infinitesimal."
Well, that'southward reasonable. Things like snack boxes, liquor, in-flying Wi-Fi and oxygen are all extra. Look. What? Don't worry about it. As long as you take a small- or medium-sized backpack full of quarters, y'all'll be just fine.
Put It Out or We'll Put You Out
There was a solar day when passengers could smoke in the passenger cabins of airplanes, but those days are long gone. However, some passengers nonetheless need some polite reminding.
Not to put besides fine a point on information technology, ane flight bellboy appear, "There is no smoking in the cabin on this flying. There is also no smoking in the toilets. If we see whatsoever smoke coming from a toilet, nosotros volition presume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide to y'all."
Was That My Luggage?
There'due south nothing like a flake of violent dropping and shaking on an airplane to go the ol' blood flowing again. Panic is usually passengers' commencement reaction, followed by a expiry grip on the armrests and the downing of any liquor inside reach. Information technology's not pleasant, and information technology tin't end soon enough.
Flying attendants know this and often endeavor to disarm the situation with humor. During a nasty spell of turbulence, a flight attendant assured passengers, "No need to exist alarmed folks. That's just the sound of your baggage being ejected from the aircraft."
Endeavour Non to Recollect Near Information technology
Does anyone e'er really stop to think that strapping into an airplane and flying beyond the country is something our ancestors would have considered insane? That at that place's nothing separating y'all from the ground thousands of feet down other than a thin sheet of metal?
In case they might've forgotten, i flight attendant reminded passengers, "Thank y'all for flying with united states today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metallic tube, we promise you lot'll recollect of US Airways."
Aiming to Please
Information technology's neat to know that when something goes wrong on an airplane, the flight attendants and crew try to go out of their way to fix it. It doesn't always work, but at least they put in some effort.
Riffing on traditional customer service spiels, ane flight attendant assured passengers who had been waiting a long fourth dimension at the gate, "Sorry for the delay folks, just the machine that breaks your luggage is broken. Nosotros'll take you lot off the plane as soon every bit we get washed breaking it by hand."
Choose Well
Nature has a way of guaranteeing the survival of your genes. If y'all accept many children, congratulations! They'll wait subsequently you when you've grown quondam. As long every bit you lot look after them well right at present — which might be difficult, depending on the flying you lot book.
Case in point? Ane flying attendant pointed out the following during the safety sit-in: "If you are traveling with two or more children, delight take a moment at present to decide which 1 is your favorite. Help that one first, and and then piece of work your way down."
Don't Get Your Hopes Up
Though experienced flyers know what all the buttons above the seat do, in that location are always a few newbies who may not. The flying attendants are in that location to help go those rookies caught upwards to speed.
Every bit Southwest Airlines flight attendant Jeff Simpson once explained, "We'll be dimming the lights in the cabin. Pushing the light-bulb push button will turn your reading light on. However, pushing the flight-bellboy push button will not turn your flight attendant on." Thank goodness for that.
It's Like a Water Park
No one ever wants to actually imagine what happens "in the event of a water landing." Yeah, yous're glad there are precautions, just you pray this won't happen to you. That's not a euphemism y'all want to hear associated with planes.
Ane Southwest Airlines flying attendant put a chipper spin on the gloom and doom of imagining the worst and reframed it every bit a political party: "In the event of a water landing, your seat-bottom cushions tin be used as flotation devices. Merely kick-paddle, kicking-paddle all the way to shore. We volition exist certain to follow you with the booze."
It'due south Just Business organisation
If you cease and think about it, concern travelers pay a lot for their airline tickets, particularly when y'all consider how much they pay for huge upgrades over omnibus. This is not lost on the flight attendants, who seem to requite a nod to the fact that these frequent flyers spend quite a scrap.
Said 1 snarky flight attendant on Delta, "Give thanks you for flight Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as nosotros enjoyed taking y'all for a ride."
Not to State the Obvious
Have-off speed for the average commercial airliner is somewhere effectually 150 miles an hour. That'southward faster than you lot'll get in a car, and yous're doing it in a gigantic jetliner that weighs somewhere around threescore tons. Those engines take to piece of work overtime to get you into the air. If you stop and think about what it takes, you realize it's quite impressive.
As i Southwest flight bellboy said: "Buckle your seatbelts folks. We're about to become and so fast that we're gonna wing." It's kind of a modern miracle, so strap yourself in!
No I Flies for the Food
Plane food has been the butt of jokes for decades. And with good reason! But to be off-white, not every airline serves horrible nutrient, and if you're in first class, your experience is much different. That being said, for virtually everyone the meals are just awful.
The flight attendants know this, and in one of their announcements they used information technology as a threat: "Please remain seated until the airplane has come to a complete cease at the gate. Anyone defenseless standing upwardly will be force-fed another meal."
Public Service Announcement
We all know smoking is bad for us, yet millions of people still lite up every 24-hour interval. Generations ago, smoking was everywhere: restaurants, planes, bars, hotels. These days in most places, smoking is limited to outdoor spaces or inside your ain home.
Back in the 1990s, there was some other major button using public service announcements to stop people from smoking. I passenger who was flight United Airlines dorsum then remembers overhearing a flight attendant announce: "…and as you enter the terminal, delight remember not to smoke…for the residuum of your lives."
If You Don't Like the Oxygen, Yous'll Love the Booze
Everyone who'southward flown has seen the condom demonstration, and so information technology'south not like you're missing something if you tune out — except when the flight attendants beginning messing with your head. Southwest, in particular, is known for inserting sense of humour into the otherwise-dry and canned safety announcements that the Federal Aviation Administration makes mandatory.
It'due south when you're kind of zoning out that they can slip in the stealth joke. During the oxygen-mask presentation, ane flight attendant quipped, "Although the plastic bag may non inflate, you lot are receiving lots and lots of gin."
Whatever Happens in Vegas…
Flight attendants working the shuttle betwixt Los Angeles and Las Vegas have surely seen it all. The contrast between the "we're all gonna be rich!" free energy on the way to Vegas couldn't be more different than the "we're hungover and broke" vibe on the fashion dorsum. Reality is pretty tough.
As one passenger was returning to Los Angeles from Vegas, he heard the flying attendant say, "Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you enjoyed our brusque flight from Las Vegas. Every bit a friendly reminder, please put your wedding rings dorsum on."
The Choice Is Yours
Let'due south face it. Flying isn't an ideal comfort state of affairs for anyone unless you're in first or business class — just even all those amenities can't make upward for beingness trapped in a can with dozens of people flight at unfathomable speeds.
Even so, with the right mindset, you can at least enjoy a drink, spotter a movie, mind to music or take a nap to pass the fourth dimension. One flight bellboy encouraged passengers to find their inner Zen: "Sit back and relax, or sit down upward and be tense, either way."
Survival Can Be a Party
This joke was so pop information technology fabricated the regular rounds on the Southwest in-flying safety announcements for a while. It'southward hard to make light of a potentially life-threatening situation, only it'due south not difficult to recognize the ridiculous manner statement a life vest makes.
If yous're going to practise gallows plane humor, y'all might as well get a little silly with information technology. Equally many of the flight attendants on Southwest say, "You'll notice in the highly unlikely event the helm lands nearly a hot tub everybody gets their own teeny weeny yellow bikini."
The Smoking Section Is Informal
The urge for serious smokers to start puffing on a flight is real. That's the power of nicotine addiction. But, unless you're a time traveler from the 1960s, everyone knows that yous can't low-cal up on a plane. Between the jet fuel and the flammable upholstery, information technology's a wonder smoking was always allowed to begin with.
This windy warning was heard on a Southwest flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to fume, the smoking section on this airplane is on the fly and if y'all can light 'em, you lot can smoke 'em."
Get Out the Dorsum, Jack
Most everyone would like to think that they'd remain calm in an emergency state of affairs, but reality dictates otherwise. In example of an emergency landing, the biggest and strongest among the passengers might autumn autonomously, while the smallest and shyest may be stoic and calm. This is why it's of import to listen during the role of the condom sit-in nigh exits.
As i flight bellboy pointed out, "There may be 50 means to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane." Recollect, and have notes.
Who Says Nothing Is Gratis Anymore?
The older generations remember that flying used to come with all kinds of perks that were complimentary with your boarding laissez passer. Meals were much more extravagant. You didn't have to pay extra for carry-on luggage. You could usually get at least one boozy drink for gratis.
These days you're lucky if yous can get some actress cheese and crackers for less than $15. But you nonetheless get a few things for free. I customer-minded flight bellboy reminded passengers, "Delight keep your seat belts fastened and relish our complimentary turbulence."
Reverse Psychology
Sometimes it's more powerful to piece of work with rider urges instead of confronting them. Flying attendants know about that weird twenty minutes or then between when the plane lands and when information technology comes to a total stop. That's when every rider on the plane is champing at the bit to stand up, stretch and become out.
Once one particular flying landed in London, the flying attendants announced, "We are currently recruiting people to make clean the aircraft. If you lot wish to volunteer, and so please stand before we have come up to a stop."
We Take Full Responsibility
There's nothing more refreshing than an airline that takes complete responsibility for any and all customer service-related bug. Well, there'southward one thing more refreshing: an airline that doesn't take itself too seriously and uses humor to defuse problems. For some reason, it's easier to trust someone who's funny over a strong stuffed shirt.
One chipper Southwest flight attendant said, "Thank you for choosing Southwest Airlines for your flight today. If yous had whatsoever bug with this flight, remember you were riding with Delta." Got that? D-E-L-T-A.
You Aren't Fabricated of Money
Fines are steep for misbehaving on airplanes. Penalties are high for smoking, because, yous know, open flames and combustible everything-around-you don't mix. And you only can't become that cigarette smoke out of the recirculated air.
During the safety demonstration, a flight attendant made that clear by announcing: "No smoking is allowed, non even in the toilets. Don't be naughty in our potty. If you practise there is a $ii,000 fine, and if you had that kind of money you lot'd be flight United instead of Southwest."
Don't Scrimp on the Extras
After the full presentation on using the oxygen mask in an emergency, Southwest flight attendant Marty Cobb added, "And let'south exist honest, only those that paid the extra $49.99 get whatsoever extra oxygen."
The funny (or not-so-funny) matter about this is that near everyone could imagine a future in which people might take to pay extra in accelerate for life-saving amenities such every bit oxygen or inflatable life vests. Perchance if yous just spring for the floating cushion, you can suck the air out of that instead.
Smile and Don't Panic
One plane had such a rough landing in Phoenix, even the smiling flight attendants couldn't help commenting. You have to wonder if they have these announcements scripted beforehand. If they don't, most flight attendants could take futures in the one-act circuit.
One rider recalls them reacting off the cuff: "Ladies and gentlemen, delight remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt upwardly against the gate. And, once the tire fume has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and y'all can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Sometimes it's better when they're not pretending everything is fine.
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Source: https://www.faqtoids.com/travel/funny-flight-attendants?utm_content=params%3Ao%3D740006%26ad%3DdirN%26qo%3DserpIndex
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